Thank You, Mr. Trump
I’ll admit I didn’t think Mr. Trump could accomplish anything worthwhile as president. But I was wrong, and I am humble enough to admit it. (The Rev Dr Sparky is the most humble person you know. Ask anybody. I’m famous for it.)
I’ll be quick, before anyone can figure out whether I am joking or not. Plus, Mr. Trump has had enough words written about him, and I don’t want to add to them unduly. I’m writing this mostly for my friends on the left, hoping they will get some grim pleasure in these ironies. Probably I’ll just make them mad, but I don’t care any more.
Thank you for that one true statement that time
First, thank you, Mr. Trump, for pointing out way back in 2016 that countries intervene in the elections of other countries all the time. Yes, my liberal friends, un-jerk your knees. Although I don’t necessarily want Putin as my POTUS’s BFF, it is a plain fact that the United States has been orchestrating “regime changes” for decades and people generally think that’s just fine.
Maybe now that Americans know how it feels when outsiders want to change our “regimes” we might think twice about changing their regimes. We might not. But we might.
Thanks for restoring the God-given right of ignorant bigots to be ignorant bigots right out loud
Mr. Trump, thank you for creating the atmosphere of candor and freedom that has encouraged racists and xenophobes to finally speak up, and stop covering up their racism, xenophobia, and thin-skinned intolerance. Yes, they’re doing more damage, but now they’re easier to spot and, therefore, to avoid.
On a related note, thank you for showing us libtards that you cannot undo your country’s entire history of racism by electing a person of color to be president and then sitting back to watch him to clean it all up for you. I mean, the man was good, but come on.
As a cynical white woman who has endured the slow, erratic “progress” of feminism in a society still dedicated to maintaining male power and privilege, I recognize the similarly protracted struggle that people of color have with white supremacy —a worse one in many ways, to be sure, but still, one I resonate with, conceptually and with compassion.
So thanks, Mr. Trump, for enticing those yahoos to take off their masks and show themselves. Yeah, most of them still won’t wear a mask, even if it means getting “the Co-vid,” as they say in the country.
The first step in treating a problem is seeing the problem
Thanks for the patented White Person’s Racism Detector and Selfie Stick
Thank you for making us realize that when white people say in anguish, “Is this who we are, America?” the answer is, “It’s who you are, yeah. You’ve only been fooling yourselves all this time. Next question.”
Thank you for the civics lesson
And thank you, Mr. Trump, for getting Americans up off their lazy glutes and to the polls. That was pretty good. Many people, led by women of color and activists of steel, worked diligently to ensure that others would be able to cast votes, too. It was a great effort that progressives talk about in dramatic terms.
And yet, it is anticipated that even this record turnout will only have turned out around two-thirds of eligible voters. So thank you for showing us that at best about one-third of Americans don’t find it necessary or important to vote. For some reason. Perhaps we should find out why.
Thank you for some tough love, Mr. Trump. You’ve shown us that even when we all hysterically believe this is the Election of A Lifetime — only about two-thirds of us show up for it.
Thank you for the lessons in psychology and marketing
Thank you for showing us that even people who go broke multiple times can still come out on top if they just persist and don’t let others define them. Thank you for showing us the logical end result of all that phony ego-building crap we’ve been sold for decades now — the constant repetition that everybody’s a winner, winning is everything, the winner takes it all, and also win win win. The person at the end of that message is you.
And in this election, about 71 million people voted for you. Thank you for showing us that 71 million ordinary people are so hungry inside that they will find you an attractive image and follow you to their doom in the faint hope that they, too, might become that big winner one day.
Thank you for the biggest reality sandwich ever
Thank you for showing us that all those norms of behavior that “go without saying” — don’t go without saying.
I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard somebody say this:
“He can’t do that, can he?”
“Well, it looks like he just did!”
You know how stuffy people are about the presidency. Your demeanor during the past four years has provided a checklist for rulemaking —they’ll probably just write “Thou Shalt Not” in front of every entry on your google calendar.
Mr. Trump, don’t get fired — make a deal!
As of this writing, Mr. Trump, we know you are wondering whether you should concede the election to Mr. Biden. You don’t want to let the American people down, of course. And there are a few, well, consequences awaiting you once you are no longer POTUS. I get that.
But mostly, you’re just not cut out to be a loser! That’s just not your style! Here’s what you should do, sir.
Mr. Trump, call Joe Biden. Tell him you will resign TODAY and clear out by the end of the month — in exchange for a deal that protects you and your family.
See? You can make a deal — that’s what you do!
And then move on! Find new opportunities — maybe in Russia, or somewhere they appreciate your style! Go, and take your thirty percent of the population, and make money and do your thing, while the grownups start putting up the guardrails we now know we need on the Constitution, the Supreme Court, the election process, and the border.
Go — with our blessing. Just tell everyone that Rev Dr Sparky, on behalf of the Congregation of the Real World, told you that the American people are, in fact, “tired of winning.”
And then tweet this message to the world: