This is a good, thoughtful discussion and important for parents, supervisors, partners, people in all kinds of relationships.

And I’ve highlighted an interesting mix of parental goals. What are we trying to do? “Motivate” the kid? Or ensure the kid has healthy self esteem? No wonder we’re confused.

Praise is not the same as flattery. I hate to see kids who already need a constant stream of reassurance that they are fabulous just to get through the day. I miss Mr Rogers; he liked us just the way we were. Everybody didn’t have to be so damned awesome all the time.

And motivating kids with the promise of praise is only legit for some things, in my view. If you take out the garbage, you’re a hero. That’s still true. And I still think it’s fine to appreciate each other vocally for the goodness we do and the growth we achieve. In the long term, though, we want our children to be motivated from within to learn and do constructive things.

Bottom line, though, the operative term in self-esteem is “self” — so the best praises we can give are the factual observations that allow the child to assess their actual improvement in effort, skill, perseverance, integrity, kindness, or whatever accomplishment they have mastered.

If you say to an anxious child, “What a great artist you are!” their sad inner voice is likely to think, “No, I’m not.”

But you can say, “I see how carefully you’re choosing your colors!” Or “Each time you draw the hands, they seem more real to me.” Now you’re helping your child esteem their own efforts appropriately and not like an asshat narcissist.

Might work on each other, too.

Probably too late for the president.